Clearing the cache before the election comes up

To commemorate the coronation of King Charles III and Queen Camilla (the First, I presume) our mayor, Bryan Cadogan, along with his fellow councillors, planted a kowhai tree and installed a plaque at the council offices.

A worthy gesture for sure, but why did the ceremony take place on May 4, two days before the actual coronation?

The same reason why, out of 2200 guests invited to the occasion, only 15 Kiwis showed up. Charles and Camilla, or maybe the coronation planners they hired, had clearly not done their homework when settling on the date for their event.

I know it’s hard to believe, but of all the weekends they could have chosen to for the coronation, they happened to pick the opening weekend of the duck-shooting season!

It’s not that us southerners wouldn’t wish Charles and Camilla all the very best as our new monarchs but, when you are forced to choose between sitting for hours waiting for a couple of old ducks to appear, or enjoying time with your mates in the mai mai, it’s pretty obvious which one most of us would pick.

As it happens, there will be a coronation of sorts taking place in Clydevale in a couple of weeks, as members of the Clutha Valley Lions Club are about to ‘‘crown’’ their new president.

As the current vice-president I’ve got the inside running to have the privilege bestowed upon me.

Unlike the British monarchy, the role is not a hereditary one.

Which is just as well because, as far as I am aware, I am not the first-born offspring of Stephen the Second, the current president. I haven’t used DNA testing to confirm this assumption, but the fact that I am older than him gives me some degree of certainty.

Although I may be the favourite to ascend to the throne, an election is still required.

As the saying goes, a week is a long time in politics and so, with two weeks still to go, I am very much aware that there is plenty of time for my rivals to dig up some dirt on me and ruin my chances.

So, with the help of my campaign manager, I have meticulously trawled through my Facebook account, deleting anything that could be construed as even mildly offensive. Gone are any references to my piano-accordion playing, photos of Sam’s cooking and disturbing photos of various body parts (especially my face).

And I didn’t stop with my own social media accounts, going on to scrutinise those of family members as well.

I didn’t really find much of a concern there, but was a little worried to discover that Odie, our Labrador, had started using a new dating app for dogs. Thankfully, however, his profile was pretty savoury, with his interests being remarkably similar to mine.

He enjoys long walks in the park, playing on the beach and snuggling by the fire on wintry nights. Oh, and scratching his groin. Damn!

Digging deep . . . Clutha Mayor Bryan Cadogan (right) and deputy mayor Ken Payne attend to the planting of a ceremonial kowhai tree in Balclutha earlier this month to mark the coronation of King Charles III. PHOTO: RICHARD DAVISON